Words

Despite what my grandmother may tell you, I am not a good writer.

I know words. I know what order to put them in and which punctuation to use. I know the rules even though I don't always follow them. Sometimes this is because rules are made to broken, and sometimes it is carelessness.

Perhaps carelessness is my problem. I get in a hurry and am not patient enough to find the words I need at that moment. 

I find that too often when I need them the most, words fail me. Unfortunately, I am the most eloquent when I am hurt or angry. It is then that I find the most powerful words. The words that hurt. 

But I've never really fancied myself a writer, so this is okay, most of the time. But sometimes it's not. 

Sometimes, you get in an argument and you need to explain your side. But the argument becomes so intense that you can no longer listen to the other person's words or you will lose your own. So then you have to make the choice. Is hearing the other person's words more important than saying your own? Does this person care about you enough to give you the opportunity to speak and listen to your words even when they're not the right ones? Does this person care enough to understand that not all of the words you said are the words you meant? Do you care enough to give that person the same leniency for his words?

The problem with this is that we're taught to be true to our word. So even when we misspeak, we stand behind those words for honor instead of disgracing ourselves by admitting that maybe our words were not what they were meant to be. Or they didn't mean what they meant? See, my words are getting jumbled.

And then, we try to fix our words with new words. But the old words are still there. They are still sitting in the other person's heart like a dagger, even when we can't remember them. Not that I can't remember them. I can. But even when I can't, those words will still be there. Surely there is a better word for fixing this than "sorry."

"Sorry" has been so overused and misused that it no longer means anything. What word can I use when I truly want more than anything to fix what my words have done? How do I make my words reflect my heart? Unfortunately, I am not good enough with words to do that. "Sorry" is a word that is thrown around flippantly. The feeling of truly being "sorry" is similar to the word "sorrow" for a good reason. My heart aches knowing that my words have hurt you.

"Love" is another word that is too often thrown around. I love my bed. I love Coca Cola. I love the Harry Potter series. I love crisp autumn afternoons. I love peaches that you can smell before you can see them. I love toe nail polish. I love taking a long, hot bath. I love getting lost in a book. I love cooking for people. I love milk chocolate oranges. I love you. Well, isn't that special? But what about when you really do love someone? Does this paltry word really convey that emotion? Are there any words that can really convey that feeling? I wrote about what love was to me once. But it was specific to the person I loved. Love is not always the same. There isn't one way to describe "love," so why do we only have this one little word?

I am not good with words, but I am sorry. And I do love you.

A Tale As Old As Time

The title "A Tale As Old As Time" seemed fitting since this party happened longer ago than I care to think about it.  In fact, I think this was a Disney party to celebrate my 29th birthday.  Wow.  I'm a little behind! This is indeed a tale as old as time.

 

It will be a miracle if I can even remember what all I did for this party!  Luckily, I have a decent memory and lots of photos to help me out.  Since it was my birthday, I decided I wanted to do something fancy, so I brought out the fine china and we had a fancy French meal for our Beauty and the Beast party.

The following was our menu for the night:

Ashley's Birthday Dinner

Saturday, September 07, 2013

Soup Course

French Onion soup with Le Gruyere

Main Course

Boeuf Bourguignon with a side of

Provencal French Beans and

Potatoes Gratin Dauphinois

Sorbet Palate Cleanser

Cheese Course

Semi-Soft White Stilton Cheese with Blueberries

Hard Goat Cheese Log

Semi-Soft Feta Sheep's Milk Cheese, and

La Tur-Three Milk Soft Ripened Cheese

Dessert Course

Chocolate Mousse followed by a showing of

Disney's Beauty and the Beast with

White Cake in Cream Cheese Icing and

Vanilla Ice Cream 

Beginning with the soup course, we had my favorite French Onion Soup.  No one does it better than the Pioneer Woman.

 

It's making me crazy that it won't let me rotate my pictures!

The soup course was followed by Julia Child's Boeuf Bourguignon with Barefoot Contessa's french beans and potatoes gratin dauphinois.

 

The sorbet cleaner was just a standard lime sherbet and the cheese course was a variety I found at Kroger.  Though I did read that you should aim to get one cow, one goat, and one sheep's milk cheese for a true cheese plate.

  

The dessert was a chocolate mousse, though I have no idea what recipe I used.

 

Which leaves only the grand finale.  The most fabulous cake you have ever witnessed.

 

There's a stinking rose in a thing like the movie!  I can't even word and sentence right now because three years later I am still in awe of this cake.

We ended the night by playing a game and doing a craft project.  For our game, the sisters decorated plates like the china in Beauty and the Beast, and we had to balance a ball on the plate and pass it around the circle.  It was pretty fun.  Look how teeny weeny the Bean was!  Adorable!

 

Then for our craft project, we all made our own magic mirrors.  Look how not teeny weeny I was!  It's been a long three years!

It's crazy to think how much has changed since then.  It seems like only yesterday that we were doing these parties and getting ready to go to Disney World!  Life has changed drastically since then, but as always, I'm still here and I'm still behind.

Godspeed.

 

Heartbreak

Heartbreak is a funny thing.  There are so many things in life that break our hearts.  It happens over and over and over again.  Sometimes we break our own hearts.  Sometimes something as simple as a youtube video can break your heart.  Then, you get to that point where you think you're at the bottom.  Your heart is as broken as it can be.  And somehow it heals.  As time passes, it hurts less and less.  But then all it takes is one little thing, one little reminder, and you realize that it never actually healed.  You just stopped noticing the pain.  Isn't it strange how it hurts?  I mean, it physically hurts.  Sometimes you wonder if you're having a heart attack because surely a metaphysical pain can't hurt like that.  Can you literally die of heartbreak?  I read a study that says that you are more likely to have a heart attack within a week of losing someone close to you.  But it mostly hurts emotionally.  You somehow feel like less than you were.  Like a piece of you is missing.  Even if you can see it standing on the other side of the room.

And somehow, even when it's so broken you think it can't break any more, it does. 

Letting Go
Holding On

How can I hold on to something that isn't here?
I thought I had let go
But once it was gone
I realized I was still holding on
Even though my arms can't stretch to heaven
My heart apparently can
Because it can't seem to let go

But my heart can do many amazing things
Like hold on to more than one thing
Even if it's not safe
Even if it hurts
Even if it's not smart
Wise decisions are for the head
Not the heart
But how can you hold on to something
You've never actually had
Lingering heartache is a bitch
And games are for the foolish and lovesick

But wait
It can do more still
Here's another thing to hold onto
Something that will hold you back
And keep you safe
And even as your heart screams
Let it go
Let it go
It also screams
Hold on tight
And then when you've pushed it away
You're left in the same place you began
It's too far away to hold with your hands
But your heart has an amazing elasticity
This time not to heaven
Because heaven doesn't exist for both of you