Despite what my grandmother may tell you, I am not a good writer.
I know words. I know what order to put them in and which punctuation to use. I know the rules even though I don't always follow them. Sometimes this is because rules are made to broken, and sometimes it is carelessness.
Perhaps carelessness is my problem. I get in a hurry and am not patient enough to find the words I need at that moment.
I find that too often when I need them the most, words fail me. Unfortunately, I am the most eloquent when I am hurt or angry. It is then that I find the most powerful words. The words that hurt.
But I've never really fancied myself a writer, so this is okay, most of the time. But sometimes it's not.
Sometimes, you get in an argument and you need to explain your side. But the argument becomes so intense that you can no longer listen to the other person's words or you will lose your own. So then you have to make the choice. Is hearing the other person's words more important than saying your own? Does this person care about you enough to give you the opportunity to speak and listen to your words even when they're not the right ones? Does this person care enough to understand that not all of the words you said are the words you meant? Do you care enough to give that person the same leniency for his words?
The problem with this is that we're taught to be true to our word. So even when we misspeak, we stand behind those words for honor instead of disgracing ourselves by admitting that maybe our words were not what they were meant to be. Or they didn't mean what they meant? See, my words are getting jumbled.
And then, we try to fix our words with new words. But the old words are still there. They are still sitting in the other person's heart like a dagger, even when we can't remember them. Not that I can't remember them. I can. But even when I can't, those words will still be there. Surely there is a better word for fixing this than "sorry."
"Sorry" has been so overused and misused that it no longer means anything. What word can I use when I truly want more than anything to fix what my words have done? How do I make my words reflect my heart? Unfortunately, I am not good enough with words to do that. "Sorry" is a word that is thrown around flippantly. The feeling of truly being "sorry" is similar to the word "sorrow" for a good reason. My heart aches knowing that my words have hurt you.
"Love" is another word that is too often thrown around. I love my bed. I love Coca Cola. I love the Harry Potter series. I love crisp autumn afternoons. I love peaches that you can smell before you can see them. I love toe nail polish. I love taking a long, hot bath. I love getting lost in a book. I love cooking for people. I love milk chocolate oranges. I love you. Well, isn't that special? But what about when you really do love someone? Does this paltry word really convey that emotion? Are there any words that can really convey that feeling? I wrote about what love was to me once. But it was specific to the person I loved. Love is not always the same. There isn't one way to describe "love," so why do we only have this one little word?
I am not good with words, but I am sorry. And I do love you.
